Dear Teenagers...

You're doing it wrong. Not really anything specific, just your existence in general. Now, I know, that seems a little harsh, after all, I was once a teenager... for which I often apologize to my mother. 


In an effort to suck less, and stay out of the plus size section, I took my smallest minions for a walk today. I made sure to download an app to help track my progress, so I knew how far I'd walked, my pace, my calories burned and everything. The app actually looked fabulous at first glance, it was exactly what I wanted. (It's called Every Body Walk by Gerber Rigler LLC if you're curious) But of course, I made the mistake of doing this early in the day. I'd just put my oldest on the bus for school and it wasn't time for the baby's morning nap yet, and it wasn't too hot yet. Then I got a little more than half way though my walk and started encountering teenagers. All girls at first, which my son didn't mind at all! But rather than getting out of the way of the sweaty woman pushing two toddlers in a massive stroller coming right at them, they banded together to block the fucking sidewalk.


...


No, really. There were three of them and the all stood facing me and lined up so we couldn't get past them. I had to push the kids in the street. Fine, no big deal, I am a big girl and don't mine, except that the side walk is safer, and I wasn't asking them to push the stroller for me, just to get the fuck out of the way for a few seconds. My annoyance with them was only exacerbated when their perfume hit me. I was a good 15 feet away from them and yet I felt like I'd snorted their perfume straight from the bottle. Note to teenage girls, less is more, it's perfume not pheromones, and unless you're trying to land a spot on next season's 16 and Pregnant you don't have any business trying to breed anyway! Remember, you can't drive, that's why you're waiting for the fucking bus!


Then, further on our walk, close enough to home that I was getting excited about the bacon I planned to make for breakfast, and still far enough away that I kinda wanted to die, I encountered another group of even more teenagers. Now, I could see them texting on their smartphones mommy and daddy pay for from a good 3 blocks away. Logic would dictate that if I could see them, they could see me and my big mother fucking stroller coming for them. One girl not only moved, but told the group to watch out, she is of course excluded from this rant, but did they heed her warning? NO! One little cunt even sat down in the middle of my path. "Why not just take the street around them again?" you may ask. Because this time, we were next to a main street, where there are cars and school buses going by. Somewhat less safe for my two toddlers to be in the street unnecessarily here. Especially when the teenagers could have cleared the little path they were blocking and let us by. AHHH!!!! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY! This time, sitting girl moved, then some boy (I'd call him a young man or guy, but my 3 year old behaves more like a man than he did, therefore he gets the title of boy) stepped in FRONT of me. Are you kidding me? I will release these toddlers and let them eat you alive you Axe wearing mother fucker! Clearly WatchOut Girl was the only one of the group that was breastfed. 


I may sound like some bitchy mom, and you'd be right in that assumption. But I DO have a tiny bit of manners. I said excuse me, and apologized for being in their way, and thanked them for letting us by. Still, I think they need a boot in the ass. Being a douche isn't cute and won't get you laid until college. I knew there were two more bus pickups on the way home so we took the longer way to avoid them. Once I'm sweaty I'm more likely to call you a cunt and just run into you with my stroller than ask to pass. 


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This is just one instance of teenagers annoying me. But pretty much everything from their taste in music, (generalization, clearly) to their ignorance, and close mindedness when it comes to equality is enough to send me into a rage on the right day.