I have this friend, and she's sweeter than Southern ice tea. She lives for glitter and animal print, and in many ways reminds me of my 4 year old daughter. She's polite and honest and wants to be everyone's friend. She makes me want to punch babies. Now, she's never wronged me. But she is a special kind of (legal) naive that as a (self proclaimed) good mother, irritates the fucking shit out of me. I'll save the details of why she bothers me so much (I recently had to delete her on facebook because she annoyed me so much. Shit just got real.) for another post, because today we're only talking about one tiny sliver of the annoyance.
Friend, lets call her Megan Fox since I hate her skinny ass too. So Megan, recently got hired by a fairly well known blog to do product reviews. Awesome, right? I wish someone would send me free shit to try and then talk about. But she seems to have forgotten the review part. You know, where you test it, weigh the pro's and con's and then talk about them, how some parts were awesome and some parts weren't and this is why you would or would not spend your hard earned money on this product again. Instead, she gets the product, uses it, and gives it a rave review. No matter what it is, every time, it's the greatest product she's ever used. Now, I know what you're thinking, "You're just a jealous bitch!" and you'd be right. I AM jealous. Bitch weighs at least 20 lbs less than me, she's got a solid 3 inches on me, most of which are in her perfectly toned legs and she's had almost three times as many kids as I have. Fuck that skinny bitch. Eat a damn sandwich. But that's not why I'm annoyed. As a consumer, I look to those around me for advice before reading some random blog to see what some stranger who may or may not have been paid to promote, or promised more of the product as compensation for a good review. I trust my friends to tell me when something sucks just as much as I trust them to tell me when it's awesome, so I was glad to see that I had a friend on the inside. Turns out, everything is the best at what it does. Coke vs. Pepsi? No contest! They're both equally amazing! STFU. You're doing it wrong. Coke kicks Pepsi's ugly ass every day of the week PLUS vanilla coke with extra ice makes me less of a lunatic. Beat that shit Pepsi!
Speaking of which, I read up on a couple of things she's reviewed, one of which was a weight loss program which basically consisted of taking laxatives and binding yourself. Awesome. She lost something like 7 inches over night. I'd love to lose 7 inches, but I'd also like to keep them off and not have to shit them out. I'd like to curb my appetite, learn better eating habits, exercise, improve my toning and cardio and keep that weight off, thereby reducing my risk for some cancers, heart disease and diabetes, all of which run in my family. Sure, you might drop a dress size 2 days before your wedding, but you probably shouldn't get rid of your fat pants because once your period comes around you'll be right back to stuffing your face with pop corn and wearing your PJs as much as possible.
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