You're doing it wrong. Not really anything specific, just your existence in general. Now, I know, that seems a little harsh, after all, I was once a teenager... for which I often apologize to my mother.
In an effort to suck less, and stay out of the plus size section, I took my smallest minions for a walk today. I made sure to download an app to help track my progress, so I knew how far I'd walked, my pace, my calories burned and everything. The app actually looked fabulous at first glance, it was exactly what I wanted. (It's called Every Body Walk by Gerber Rigler LLC if you're curious) But of course, I made the mistake of doing this early in the day. I'd just put my oldest on the bus for school and it wasn't time for the baby's morning nap yet, and it wasn't too hot yet. Then I got a little more than half way though my walk and started encountering teenagers. All girls at first, which my son didn't mind at all! But rather than getting out of the way of the sweaty woman pushing two toddlers in a massive stroller coming right at them, they banded together to block the fucking sidewalk.
...
No, really. There were three of them and the all stood facing me and lined up so we couldn't get past them. I had to push the kids in the street. Fine, no big deal, I am a big girl and don't mine, except that the side walk is safer, and I wasn't asking them to push the stroller for me, just to get the fuck out of the way for a few seconds. My annoyance with them was only exacerbated when their perfume hit me. I was a good 15 feet away from them and yet I felt like I'd snorted their perfume straight from the bottle. Note to teenage girls, less is more, it's perfume not pheromones, and unless you're trying to land a spot on next season's 16 and Pregnant you don't have any business trying to breed anyway! Remember, you can't drive, that's why you're waiting for the fucking bus!
Then, further on our walk, close enough to home that I was getting excited about the bacon I planned to make for breakfast, and still far enough away that I kinda wanted to die, I encountered another group of even more teenagers. Now, I could see them texting on their smartphones mommy and daddy pay for from a good 3 blocks away. Logic would dictate that if I could see them, they could see me and my big mother fucking stroller coming for them. One girl not only moved, but told the group to watch out, she is of course excluded from this rant, but did they heed her warning? NO! One little cunt even sat down in the middle of my path. "Why not just take the street around them again?" you may ask. Because this time, we were next to a main street, where there are cars and school buses going by. Somewhat less safe for my two toddlers to be in the street unnecessarily here. Especially when the teenagers could have cleared the little path they were blocking and let us by. AHHH!!!! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY! This time, sitting girl moved, then some boy (I'd call him a young man or guy, but my 3 year old behaves more like a man than he did, therefore he gets the title of boy) stepped in FRONT of me. Are you kidding me? I will release these toddlers and let them eat you alive you Axe wearing mother fucker! Clearly WatchOut Girl was the only one of the group that was breastfed.
I may sound like some bitchy mom, and you'd be right in that assumption. But I DO have a tiny bit of manners. I said excuse me, and apologized for being in their way, and thanked them for letting us by. Still, I think they need a boot in the ass. Being a douche isn't cute and won't get you laid until college. I knew there were two more bus pickups on the way home so we took the longer way to avoid them. Once I'm sweaty I'm more likely to call you a cunt and just run into you with my stroller than ask to pass.
...
This is just one instance of teenagers annoying me. But pretty much everything from their taste in music, (generalization, clearly) to their ignorance, and close mindedness when it comes to equality is enough to send me into a rage on the right day.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Two Things I Hate
I hate many things. Many, many things. Usually they're inconsequential and I make a big deal out of them, often times yelling, and it becomes funny. Today is no exception.
1. Why do I have to take nasty ass medicine? I'm 25 mother fucking years old. I think I'm old enough now to tell the girl at the pharmacy that I want some Goddamn flavoring in my stupid ass antibiotics.
"Can't add flavor to a pill Ma'am" you say? Fine! Take it to the drug company. In that nice gel coating you put on my pills that ALWAYS makes them stick to the back of my throat, thereby making me feel like I'm going to die every fucking time I swallow one, throw in some Mint, or cherry, better yet! Ginger! Settle my stomach that you're drugs are upsetting anyway and make it taste a little less like plastic ass while you're at it. Please and fucking thank you!
Why can they add that crap to my kid's medicine but not mine? Because it's liquid? I'll drink an 8oz glass of bubble gum flavored antibiotics before I'll take another one of your disgusting pills. Problem solved. Jerk.
2. I fucking forgot what number two was because I was so upset by number one. FACK!
On that note, the weekend is almost over. Yet another thing to by annoyed by!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Dear Product Reviewer
You're doing it wrong.
I have this friend, and she's sweeter than Southern ice tea. She lives for glitter and animal print, and in many ways reminds me of my 4 year old daughter. She's polite and honest and wants to be everyone's friend. She makes me want to punch babies. Now, she's never wronged me. But she is a special kind of (legal) naive that as a (self proclaimed) good mother, irritates the fucking shit out of me. I'll save the details of why she bothers me so much (I recently had to delete her on facebook because she annoyed me so much. Shit just got real.) for another post, because today we're only talking about one tiny sliver of the annoyance.
Friend, lets call her Megan Fox since I hate her skinny ass too. So Megan, recently got hired by a fairly well known blog to do product reviews. Awesome, right? I wish someone would send me free shit to try and then talk about. But she seems to have forgotten the review part. You know, where you test it, weigh the pro's and con's and then talk about them, how some parts were awesome and some parts weren't and this is why you would or would not spend your hard earned money on this product again. Instead, she gets the product, uses it, and gives it a rave review. No matter what it is, every time, it's the greatest product she's ever used. Now, I know what you're thinking, "You're just a jealous bitch!" and you'd be right. I AM jealous. Bitch weighs at least 20 lbs less than me, she's got a solid 3 inches on me, most of which are in her perfectly toned legs and she's had almost three times as many kids as I have. Fuck that skinny bitch. Eat a damn sandwich. But that's not why I'm annoyed. As a consumer, I look to those around me for advice before reading some random blog to see what some stranger who may or may not have been paid to promote, or promised more of the product as compensation for a good review. I trust my friends to tell me when something sucks just as much as I trust them to tell me when it's awesome, so I was glad to see that I had a friend on the inside. Turns out, everything is the best at what it does. Coke vs. Pepsi? No contest! They're both equally amazing! STFU. You're doing it wrong. Coke kicks Pepsi's ugly ass every day of the week PLUS vanilla coke with extra ice makes me less of a lunatic. Beat that shit Pepsi!
Speaking of which, I read up on a couple of things she's reviewed, one of which was a weight loss program which basically consisted of taking laxatives and binding yourself. Awesome. She lost something like 7 inches over night. I'd love to lose 7 inches, but I'd also like to keep them off and not have to shit them out. I'd like to curb my appetite, learn better eating habits, exercise, improve my toning and cardio and keep that weight off, thereby reducing my risk for some cancers, heart disease and diabetes, all of which run in my family. Sure, you might drop a dress size 2 days before your wedding, but you probably shouldn't get rid of your fat pants because once your period comes around you'll be right back to stuffing your face with pop corn and wearing your PJs as much as possible.
I have this friend, and she's sweeter than Southern ice tea. She lives for glitter and animal print, and in many ways reminds me of my 4 year old daughter. She's polite and honest and wants to be everyone's friend. She makes me want to punch babies. Now, she's never wronged me. But she is a special kind of (legal) naive that as a (self proclaimed) good mother, irritates the fucking shit out of me. I'll save the details of why she bothers me so much (I recently had to delete her on facebook because she annoyed me so much. Shit just got real.) for another post, because today we're only talking about one tiny sliver of the annoyance.
Friend, lets call her Megan Fox since I hate her skinny ass too. So Megan, recently got hired by a fairly well known blog to do product reviews. Awesome, right? I wish someone would send me free shit to try and then talk about. But she seems to have forgotten the review part. You know, where you test it, weigh the pro's and con's and then talk about them, how some parts were awesome and some parts weren't and this is why you would or would not spend your hard earned money on this product again. Instead, she gets the product, uses it, and gives it a rave review. No matter what it is, every time, it's the greatest product she's ever used. Now, I know what you're thinking, "You're just a jealous bitch!" and you'd be right. I AM jealous. Bitch weighs at least 20 lbs less than me, she's got a solid 3 inches on me, most of which are in her perfectly toned legs and she's had almost three times as many kids as I have. Fuck that skinny bitch. Eat a damn sandwich. But that's not why I'm annoyed. As a consumer, I look to those around me for advice before reading some random blog to see what some stranger who may or may not have been paid to promote, or promised more of the product as compensation for a good review. I trust my friends to tell me when something sucks just as much as I trust them to tell me when it's awesome, so I was glad to see that I had a friend on the inside. Turns out, everything is the best at what it does. Coke vs. Pepsi? No contest! They're both equally amazing! STFU. You're doing it wrong. Coke kicks Pepsi's ugly ass every day of the week PLUS vanilla coke with extra ice makes me less of a lunatic. Beat that shit Pepsi!
Speaking of which, I read up on a couple of things she's reviewed, one of which was a weight loss program which basically consisted of taking laxatives and binding yourself. Awesome. She lost something like 7 inches over night. I'd love to lose 7 inches, but I'd also like to keep them off and not have to shit them out. I'd like to curb my appetite, learn better eating habits, exercise, improve my toning and cardio and keep that weight off, thereby reducing my risk for some cancers, heart disease and diabetes, all of which run in my family. Sure, you might drop a dress size 2 days before your wedding, but you probably shouldn't get rid of your fat pants because once your period comes around you'll be right back to stuffing your face with pop corn and wearing your PJs as much as possible.
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